Hi. In your hands, right now, you hold the culmination of thousands of years of human intelligence, ingenuity, and brilliance. Now put your goddamn phone down and pay attention to my book. What is in my book, you ask? (I'm really glad you asked, by the way, because now I get to tell you.) Time travel. Gay marriage. Sportsballing. Futuristic goggles that DO NOTHING. Tiny brags from my publisher, stuff like: "This is an uproarious, uncensored take on empathy, personal responsibility, and what it means to be human." Excessive brags about myself: "An extraordinarily clever, punishingly funny, sharp-tongued blogosphere star, NFL player, husband and father, one-time violin prodigy, voracious lifetime reader, obsessive gamer, and fearless champion of personal freedom." Oh, and also an essay on the Pope's Twitter account. Honestly, if that doesn't draw you in, there's no hope left for humanity. I also give my own funeral eulogy, in case you were hoping I'd go away and die now! So please, join me in the glorious art of windmill tilting by reading this "collection of rousing, uncensored personal essays, letters, and stories" (I have no idea why that's in quotes). Join the herd of

Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies

. (You know you want to.)

Take three wacky aunts,two talking animals,one nervous bride,and an upcoming hit,and you've got the follow-upto JB Lynn's wickedly funnyConfessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman

Knocking off a drug kingpin was the last thing on Maggie Lee's to-do list, but when a tragic accident leaves her beloved niece orphaned and in the hospital, Maggie will go to desperate lengths to land the money needed for her care.

But the drug kingpin is the least of her worries. Maggie's aunts are driving her crazy, her best friend's turned into a bridezilla…and a knock on the head has given Maggie Dr. Dolittle abilities—she can talk to animals. Unfortunately, they talk back.

It's just another day in the life of this neurotic hitwoman…

NAMED A "TOP BOOK OF 2020" by the Montreal Times! THERE IS SOMETHING STRANGE HAPPENING IN PLACIDVILLE! It is 1962. Kathy Anderson, a serious actress who took her training at the Actors Studio in New York, is stuck playing Vivacia, the Vampire Woman on Vivacia’s House of Horrors for a local Chicago TV station. Finally fed up showing old monster movies to creature feature fans, she quits and heads to New York and the fame and footlights of Broadway. She stops off to visit her parents and old friends in Placidville, the all-Ameican, middle-class, blissfully normal Midwest small town she grew up in. But she finds things are strange in Placidville. Kathy’s parents, her best friend from high school, the local druggist, even the Oberhausen twins are all acting curiously creepy, odiously odd, and wholly weird. Especially the town’s super geeky nerd, Gerald, who warns of dark days ahead. Has Kathy entered a zone in the twilight? Did she reach the limits that are outer? Has she fallen through a mirror that is black? Or is it just—just—politics as usual!

His luck is a weapon of mass hilarity.

Murphy’s mind-boggling luck returns with a vengeance in a new, uproarious adventure. When America calls upon Murphy to employ his unique talents to help bring down an evil mastermind, it’s a request his handlers soon regret.

After a bank’s surveillance camera captures Murphy’s amazing, hobby-honed abilities in action, the tape comes to the attention of the FBI. The agency decides that the Eureka recluse is just the man to help with a matter of national security, only to learn how one man with Murphy’s luck undermines everyone’s sense of security.

When you march to the beat of Murphy Drummer, the impossible becomes the inevitable and the inevitable inescapably hysterical. All may regret the day they met Murphy Drummer, but none knows what they’d have done without him.

Don’t miss this riotous comedy of mayhem and miracles!

Stella loves her life in London, far from the foul-mouthed, flame-haired grandmother who raised her. Then Stella gets the dreaded call in the middle of the night; Gina has taken a tumble. Soon Stella finds herself trapped with Gina in the crazy coastal town of Mapton-on-Sea. Can Stella and Gina ever truly reconcile? As the June temperature soars, they, and the residents of Mapton, are in for an hilariously explosive summer. For a sprinkle of romance, mobility scooter gangs, and misbehaving dogs, you’re invited to Mapton-on-Sea.